My Life as a Soundtrack

It's funny how when you make it big
everyone wants to write your story
just to fill you in to see where they fall on you
breathe a life of the breaths you never took
give you time you wish you never had back

i wonder how they'll write me out

will they tell stories of how lucky i was to
grow up with both my parents and how
it's better to have two parents fighting than
no daddy to call your own or
have those late nights wondering when
daddy's coming home because
atleast you have an arrival to wait on and
i just wonder if they'll paint me as the
lucky little black girl from a good family

maybe they'll analyze how great it must of been
to grow up in a nice house by yourself when
mom was off to work and
dad was off wherever he seems to go and
big sister could never stick around or
big brothers had better things to do because
at least it was a life of luxury and
who wouldn't want a big house to themselves when
they're only twelve years old as
it had to be the foundation of my work since
imagination had to be my best friend with
no one else around

and i can hear them now telling
my story of how special i was to be
the only black face in a sea of white in
the best schools because
what do they know about identity loss
when at least i had a culture to assimilate in to and
thats more than most could ever claim because
i'm a lucky little black girl with a good education

i hope they never try to write my story in their eyes or
oppress my tears with their words because
what do they know about this
lucky little black girl who had it all

I could have stayed his
trophy on a shelf if
i believed in make-believe enough
to keep me around and
keep me satisfied in hallucinations
of us together

i could of remained his trophy
forever
just passing hours in my mind
of how it could be
between us
at some point
we had to be
he had to give in
to my temptation and
pick me up where we left off because
i was his trophy

and i could of stayed his
trophy on a shelf for a lifetime
fulfilling a dream if
only it were my dream or
our dream but
it was simply his dream and
i was ready to wake him up

is it better to remember a love
as lost or
just remember the emotions of
being in love
the sensations and
feelings aroused

is it
better to remember a
love as lost or
just remember the embraces
and
comfort of their arms or
the touch of their
lips taking you to
ecstacy

is it better
to remember a love as lost or
just
remember the longing of
being in love with
that desire to
spend all your time together until
there's no time left

is it better to
remember a love as lost or
remember the
love that you had that's
now lost

its not that i dont have anything to say to you
but that what i have to say has no relavence
as we have no relavence
anymore

we are beyond words and
beyond us and
beyond progression and
as we were in the very beginning
and in coming full circle
this is where we meet

in silence with
nothing more than what
could of been said and
should of been said but
never will be said

And the CIA claims
the Atlantic the biggest of all oceans
greatest for the
exploitation of natural resources

just thank the collection of souls
buried in it's depths

so she's the new way to
.........pass your
....time?


she's cute but
...not nearly what i expected


just a
...mediocre version of
.....................me


though what else should i of
..expected from
..............you?


trying to fill wounds with
.........the cheapest
...........................imitation


if only she could ever be me or
................even fall in
........close


while she's bringing a smile
............for now


but just tell me
....this


does she know the ways to
..........make your
......body....s h i v e r?


...the
ways to make you
......w e a k....in the knees?


even the
....smile you get when
..you're
.........fully....s a t i s f i e d?


or how eager you are to
...................p l e a s e?


..how about the
........s t o r i e s....you don't
....readily tell?


.........the
..............f e e l i n g s
you don't easily share?


..the....t i m e....you
.................too eagerly spend?


or the....t r u s t
...you refuse to
.........extend?


just let me know she's
...found your s p o t?


............or enjoys your
..favorite......p o s i t i o n?


......................................No?


of course
..........why would.....s h e?


R e b o u d s....are only
....fulfillment of
...........so much and
......she by no means could
be what i......w a s

she said that
he was it
but
maturity changed that
and gave her
someone new to label
until circumstance stole that away
falling back
into him
but
situation dangled another
to
better pass time
but
in its same breathe
she blew it away
leading back to him
until the next temptation
all the while he's waiting for fate
to step in
and make him the one she can no longer
pass by

I heard your voice yesterday

thought i'd give you a call
considering you were my all

but we were caught on the same page.

using you is like losing you all over again

but i didn't know a softer place to land
and i thought by now you'd finally be the man

instead of the boy i've come to know so well.

as for love it's out on it's lunch break

only i don't think it's ever going to return
until then my advice for you is to let it burn

kind of like what you left me to do.

about that call, don't wait up

I have nothing left to say
just echoes of your hearts sound as i slowly fade away

and even then i won't hear you.

he saw me and i
saw him with hearts that smiled
back the years to come

he brought his new girl around
(a downgrade if you ask me)
but i could tell from her sound
she's not nearly as sweet
call her a fling
hoping to pass time
while giving him nothing
or so i say in my mind

(purely for
security)

he told me destiny was
in these four walls
but
i dreamed for more

he swore eternity was
barricaded in this place
but
i saw more

he decided forever was
cadged in this life
so

i packed up and
took the future
with me

bombs sound
to devastate countries and
steal fathers away in darkness
while no one speaks a word

silenced
by separation of patriotism and morality
when old testiment wrath and
new testiment forgiveness don't coincide
and oppsition offers old insight
while no one speaks a word

strangers
can't find common ground
only destroy it over misconceptions
when communication isn't any closer than
procrastination of intent
while no one speaks a word

If only history
taught more than extermination
and minds weren't so easily naive to think
internment camps are a means of security
prejudice is a source of saftey
when fear is it's own terrorism and
AIDS is the modern age genocide
while no one speaks a word
no one speaks a word letting
the world bleed out our silence

i'm not afraid to watch
you go

thoughts of lonliness
placate my mind
and

my only hell is
the hours inbetween
two and four AM

when I think of you
so

I'll help you
pack

Who knew your dream would become
our nightmare as you shipped our father's
off to war jilting my fantasies of heroic soldiers
into devils play riddled with army tanks and
machine guns where tears are shed on
each side all to finish daddy's goal

Who knew the line between nightmares and
dreams was as thin as the one between
distortion and truth when lies are all that
can be trusted as my allusions of the
national guard implementing aid is thwarted
by images of slain children as playful
make-believe turns to harsh realities of
true terrorism all in the name of Dad

Who knew this dream would sway
to a nightmare as freedom is relative to
factors beyond control because
race gender age sexuality and class
along with any other box to be checked
classifies your oppression in a country where
freedom is only found in the shelter of
anglo-saxen skin which comes as no surprise
if you read between the lines of our Fathers' dreams

Who knew nightmares and dreams were
so intertwined as the Holocaust and
slavery were built off "good intentions"?

knowing you is pleasure
far surpassing any other as
i know you like the stars in
the sky with innumerable
mystery that sets you apart
from cloudy nights in a
glow so radiant time stands
still to memorize its image
knowing you is pleasure but

learning you is ecstasy
relinquishing my dreams
for you excite all expectation
igniting my senses to trigger
hallucinations of what's possible
mutual growth is a journey
long-lived as any idyllic condition
fulfilling in ways unknown as empty

knowing you is pleasure but
learning you is ecstasy

men aren't the answer to the questions we suppose
as tradition caters us to a passing desire
of fleeting interest with minimal to gain
at our soul's collateral in money's inexpense
for attentions sake
with Dr Phil's trash of how to gain a man
as though alone we don't add up without addition
because worth was subtracted with an X chromosome
and media says it's only gained back through him
to become an unpaid enslaved housewife
doing 25 to life or whoever goes first
because divorce puts you back at square one
since a woman can only stand so strong alone
but just ask
why did adam have to sacrifice HIS rib?

Malcolm's song is fading out
It seems no one knows the words
Rewritten from a spiritual into
Something else entirely
As a tight beat became more important
Lyrical content became a thing of the past
"By any means" turned to
"Whatever works" while
Everything inbetween slipped away

The struggle isn't over
We've just forgotten how to fight
As Bentleys and rims became more important
Equality became a thing of the past
Since the shackles of mental enslavement are
Bound too tight for original thought
We can't see the oppression in front of us
Only mediocre progress to help us sleep at night

From the back of the bus to the front of the line
Where Welfare comes too easy
Learning to unlearn where we really stand
And unwrite the past to where we are
You call this progress?
Martin, Malcolm and Rosa would be ashamed
The fact that progress is relative
Isn't to say it doesn't exist but rather
Each individual step is more imporatnt than the last
As each is more crucial than before

Only we've stopped walking all together
To stand idly where we are now

Piecing you back together
was a challenge unforeseen

. . . . . . . .to fix you
in all the ways you're broken

hoping to free a soul long
. . . . . . . .denied by you

To save you
As I watch you die
. . . . . . . .in yourself

I fight to heal your heart
But. . .

Your soul was shattered to
. . . . . . . .shards of glass

Worth nothing more than
. . . .throwing away. . . .

i wanna write a poem that
gives and takes at the same time
giving all of me while
taking all of you to
a higher destination of
undiscovered self-truth that
strips the binds of suppressed expression
while filtering faucets of light in
the darkness that maintained comfort
because unknown comes easy without
expectation by default

can you read the words that give power or
are they no more than letters on a page
generating loose words and
exhausted metaphor leading you to
nowhere faster than
you could lead yourself as
expression is dead
truth is relative
and time. . .
time is a bitch in and of itself as
it gives and takes more than
it was ever asked while
delivering none of the salvation
which was begged for
because it's nothing more than
what we make just as
everything else

will you let me take you a step above
spin you into a world of enlightenment that
touches the gates of heaven and the depths of hell
all at the same time without
diluting you in the impurities of the world as
all we carry is what's known when
the rest is no more than passing time

i wanna write a poem that
gives and takes at the same time
taking all of my soul in all of its words
while giving out the only immortal that exists

merely a face in
the wind that blows in and out
at its desire
leaving as quick as it came
my blinds are now closed to you

i thought maybe if
i was a star you'd be my
night to fill but you
decided daylight carried
enough fulfillment alone

contrived deception
is disguised by a mask of
flawless perfection

been there, done that and
you could never satisfy
yet i yearn for more

sexuality is easy
lust is loves simplicity
hormones are emotions deficit
i could give you low moans
with toes curled and
bodies intertwined in
night's passion with you
speaking in tongues to
heaven's gate begging to
be let inside because
no greater ecstacy can be
fulfilled on earth and an
orgasm would be too sweet of
a release but. . .
that's easy

i could make you breathe
sweat and lust because
oxygen is futile and our
bodies make more sense as
spread legs and forged souls
which are easier to trade when
emotions falls somewhere inbetween
inaccuracy and deceit but. . .
that's easy

i could give you short gasps and
endless pleasure that
exceeds any fantasy that
conceived your notion of sexuality
because i'll turn you on and turn you out
in ways no playboy pin-up ever could
because at first taste
heaven seems relative but. . .
that's easy

instead i'll give you intimacy
i'll give you parts of me that
hands can't touch and sexuality can't satiate
because lust is simple and involves no more than
an exchange of passion but
i'd rather switch souls and take in parts of you that are
yet exposed to any other as i extend an emotional climax that
makes your soul shake and heart explode while your mind releases
in an ecstacy that puts sexuality to shame because. . .
that's not easy but
intimacy
if done right
is more than any orgasm could ever dream

never leaving time in between
but just time for us to be
come as you are
no need to impress because
i'll take the rest of you when
the best of you isn't available
let it be
let us be
as we are so much more than
a false impression or
superficial exterior meant
to appease the masses
i'll take the rest of you as
the best of you is merely a facade

pass time to
dream of what
could be as
all you are
is simply
memories
thoughts drown to
fantasy
because our
nights are in
my head but
my heart sees
more than time
allows to
us and your
heart won't give
into my
temptation
because sex
is easy
but i fight
to offer
more of me
as all we
are is what
we were and
who you are
isn't who
you want but
what comes most
easy with
time since time
is all we
can grasp

i'm scared to
say i miss
you because
i know it's
me alone
but my heart
longs for that
part of you
it once had
as faces
turn to chance
and time turns
to changes
but fate is
something else
entirely
because i
know our day
has passed
to dusk as
night faded
us away
but i still
dream of your
lips on my
memory

time was supposed to
fill you in to someone new
but yet you remain

somtimes afternoon is
all real and unreal
because past blends in
as present fades out
to something other than
what i'm ready to know

theory sketches each
abstraction as
...i fill in...
each inch of you
giving each part
its own place
and time gives me
the rest because
you give me nothing
while i want
everything that
you can't provide
if only theories
weren't relative to
personal distortion
because nothing can't
become something
beyond the imagination